All Bark.... Absolutely No Bite.

Ok so yesterday I talked a big game about how I was going to stop looking into the past.. Especially when it comes to ex boyfriends. Unfortuately for me and everyone in my family, they know I say that in an effort to convince myself more than anyone else. And it never works.

So I'm here today to vent it all out in hopes that I'll feel better once I have.

He drives me CRAZY. Almost literally. To the point where I should be in a padded room. And. I. HATE. It.

How did I give someone so much power over me when we hardly know each other?

He's everything I was told to look for in a significant other + being the first guy I dated after having A + wanting the fairytale (that I'd meet and fall in love with the first person I dated after having L-Bug) = ..... what? Me thinking I love him? Who knows anymore. I'm not even sure if that's how to define it but that's the best word for it... I guess...

And what does he think about when it comes to me? Who the hell knows. But what do I suspect? Purely primal. Nothing more. Can't blame him too much. I *am* certifiable after all. And I keep telling myself that I can't be mad at him if at the end of the day I'm just not want he wants in a girlfriend. I've had those relationships before. Where there was absolutely nothing wrong with the guy other than the fact that he just wasn't.... "it." My sister tells me it's my dating karma. For hurting these great guys in my past. Now it's my turn.

Maybe she's right.

But for the love of God a year and a half is enough! I never drug it on this long, even when I had my doubts that I was walking away from a really good thing!

I just don't understand. He's a good guy. He lives in a big city and goes out all the time. He could easily have found someone and left me in the dust. But he doesn't.

Why though?

Because he doesn't want to increase the number of partners he has? Or because, for whatever reason, there's something about me that stuck with him after all this time.

I was great before this month. I was moving on. I had a life and was gloriously happy with it. And then this. And something about "this" was differernt from all the other times before........ Or so I thought.

So here I am. Once again. Mind ____________. (Yes, I watch too much Jersey Shore)

Will I EVER know what truly goes on in his head? Doubtful.

Acceptance comes in waves. And just when that wave is about to crash for the last time, and low tide is about to set bringing with it something that resembles peace... A tsunami hits. And I'm back to the beginning.

Will he ever know? I have nothing to hide. I don't know if he'll read this. The option will be there. If he does he'll either A.) ignore it or B.) talk to me about it... My bets on A.).

And if he doesn't read this.. Then the outcome will be the same. Never knowing.

And eventually just having to be ok with that.