FAIL

So now that I wrote out some of my nonsense, now to the reason I was inspired to blog: weightloss.

Since May of this year, I've lost between 10-15 lbs. You'd think I'd feel pretty great about myself. And I do. But I'm still not 100% happy.

So I'm working on it again. And failing.
I suck as a human being. LOL

I was supposed to be back on my diet today. And for the most part I did great. Until I got off of work. To which I then decided it would be a good idea to eat three oreos and two Air Heads. And cheese. I would marry cheese if I could. It's scary. So here I am. With food guilt. And a massive headache that will prevent me from working out tonight. Which in turn causes more guilt.

I feel gross. Tomorrow it's on.

T - 9 days before my sister's birthday celebreation. I **WILL** rock that little black dress!!!!! And the next day I will screw it all up and indulge on hangover food. And that excites me.

......

Is that sad? LOL

All Bark.... Absolutely No Bite.

Ok so yesterday I talked a big game about how I was going to stop looking into the past.. Especially when it comes to ex boyfriends. Unfortuately for me and everyone in my family, they know I say that in an effort to convince myself more than anyone else. And it never works.

So I'm here today to vent it all out in hopes that I'll feel better once I have.

He drives me CRAZY. Almost literally. To the point where I should be in a padded room. And. I. HATE. It.

How did I give someone so much power over me when we hardly know each other?

He's everything I was told to look for in a significant other + being the first guy I dated after having A + wanting the fairytale (that I'd meet and fall in love with the first person I dated after having L-Bug) = ..... what? Me thinking I love him? Who knows anymore. I'm not even sure if that's how to define it but that's the best word for it... I guess...

And what does he think about when it comes to me? Who the hell knows. But what do I suspect? Purely primal. Nothing more. Can't blame him too much. I *am* certifiable after all. And I keep telling myself that I can't be mad at him if at the end of the day I'm just not want he wants in a girlfriend. I've had those relationships before. Where there was absolutely nothing wrong with the guy other than the fact that he just wasn't.... "it." My sister tells me it's my dating karma. For hurting these great guys in my past. Now it's my turn.

Maybe she's right.

But for the love of God a year and a half is enough! I never drug it on this long, even when I had my doubts that I was walking away from a really good thing!

I just don't understand. He's a good guy. He lives in a big city and goes out all the time. He could easily have found someone and left me in the dust. But he doesn't.

Why though?

Because he doesn't want to increase the number of partners he has? Or because, for whatever reason, there's something about me that stuck with him after all this time.

I was great before this month. I was moving on. I had a life and was gloriously happy with it. And then this. And something about "this" was differernt from all the other times before........ Or so I thought.

So here I am. Once again. Mind ____________. (Yes, I watch too much Jersey Shore)

Will I EVER know what truly goes on in his head? Doubtful.

Acceptance comes in waves. And just when that wave is about to crash for the last time, and low tide is about to set bringing with it something that resembles peace... A tsunami hits. And I'm back to the beginning.

Will he ever know? I have nothing to hide. I don't know if he'll read this. The option will be there. If he does he'll either A.) ignore it or B.) talk to me about it... My bets on A.).

And if he doesn't read this.. Then the outcome will be the same. Never knowing.

And eventually just having to be ok with that.

October 24, 2011

Whenever I think I have it rough, I'm always reminded that others have it worse.

So this is my first blog. I've never done something like this other than MySpace which met it's untimely death years ago and therefore isn't a good outlet. So where to start?

This year has been less than accommodating when it comes to good memories.

My dad’s heart attack, RIFs and then my boss coming down with cancer are just a few examples of the suckiness that is this year.

Smaller disappointments come in the shape of ex boyfriends and what could have been possible boyfriends. You live you learn right?

Blessings that are nothing short of miracles are me keeping my job, my wonderfully smart and beautiful two year old being happy and healthy and getting back into school.

I have a lot to be thankful for and lot to look back on to remember just how lucky I am.

Does that keep my from sulking at times? No. Take for instance this weekend. Among unexpected expenses and changing plans, I started getting sick and couldn’t enjoy my weekend in the slightest. Disappointment and pouty faces everywhere. I reminded myself that my boss was possibly taking me and my coworker to a Houston Texan charity event tomorrow. I learned today that that wasn’t going to happen.

Said boss is in the hospital. Her prognosis is apparently not any better but I have no details and she doesn’t want to share them with me.

And that’s when I’m hit with just how lucky I am. So my plans fell through for Sunday, and my car cost me $350+….. I’m alive and healthy as well as my little girl and that’s a lot to be thankful for.

It also clarifies what this weekend already had me thinking: stop living in the past. Stop hoping for a future with someone who obviously isn’t good enough for ME, not the other way around like I previously thought, and start living in the present.

Because there’s no telling what lies ahead in my future. And I don’t want to look back on a day I hear devastating news and remember that I wasted years on my life on a hopeless cause.

Hug your loved ones tonight guys. You never know if you’ll get the chance to do so again.