2 years and counting. . .

Have I convinced you that I'm ok? Or have you seen through the false bravdo that I put upon myself to accept the challenge of us as 'friends'?

As much as I wish it could be true. . . It isn't and can never be. . . I thought I had convinced myself. . . But telling myself one thing, is far different from truly feeling it.

I know the reality. . . there is and never will be an 'us'. . . you've made that clearer than crystal. . . So why do you do what you do? Why haven't you let me go? What is it about this game that is so much fun?

It's not fun for me. . .

I get a glimpse into the "what could be" and then it's gone in a flash to be replaced by the truth of the situation. Help me understand why. You have a clear view.. You're looking through a lens that only you can see through. I don't understand you. The situation. Or why/why not me.

What do you want from me? With me? I can tell you right now that I don't know what it is about you that I'm drawn to. I wish I wasn't. Then all this would be so easy. Chalk it up to those feelings that just won't go away.

Help me understand. It might end up helping you understand as well. Then maybe I can walk away once and for all. And then maybe you can let me.

I want to stay. I want you to want me to stay. But not like this.

Two years and counting. . . Of hoping. Of wishing. Of hurting. Can we finally get down to the bottom of this?

When there's nothing else left to give...

When your past starts weighing in on your future, do you fight it? Or follow your intuition? I want to fight it.. I want to give all that I have to give and forget my past.. But wanting to and being able to are completely different things..

I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. It shouldn't be this hard. Not this soon.

'Tis the Season...

. . . For ex's to get in touch with you in the guise of wishing you happy holidays. . . Four, count them FOUR ex love interests have contacted me in the last two days. . . . The thing about deleting numbers is that just because you take that step, doesn't mean that they will. . . . Which is fine. . . . But holy cow. . .  People I haven't talked to in MONTHS are suddenly interested in how me and A are.. First of all, don't use my daughter as a way of feigning interest. . . She's my soft spot that will forever be guarded with a brick wall and barbed wire fence. . . Using her will only piss me off. . .  You've been warned. . . .

Of course hearing from them wasn't all bad. . . Just confusing, painful and great all at the same time. . . I miss some of them in warped ways. . . . But they're exes for a reason. . . . And while I wish for different futures with some of them. . . I have to stop living in the what ifs. . . And boy are there a lot of them. . .

There's the possibility of someone else right now. . . And while the theory of it sounds great in my head and maybe on paper. . . I'm still nervous as HECK about the changes it could entail. . . And today I'm second guessing it all as a whole. . . but that's too long of a story. . .  We'll just take it one day at a time . . . 

Christmas was WONDERFUL. . . It was a whirlwind of craziness, but what holiday isn't? The holidays haven't been "exciting" for a long time. . . Of course there was the "me, me, me, I want, I want, I want" aspect of it to look forward to, but the meaning of the holiday stopped mattering so much when I was in high school. . . But now that I have A. . . I feel like a kid again. . .  The change of the weather, the way E. L. glows like a spot light from all the decorated houses, presents piling up under the tree. . . It's almost hard not to believe in Santa any more as much as we talk about him. . . . From start to finish, the holiday was wonderful and I'm so thankful for everything and everyone I have in my life to make it special. . .

Now it's time to look forward to a New Year. . . No plans as of yet. . . Kind of bittersweet. . . . My mom changed her weekend schedule in order to watch A and for me to take advantage of the holiday. . .  Another reason to count her as an awesome mom and G-ma. . . But no one to spend it with or plans to do anything as of yet so I may just spend the night at home. . . Which wouldn't be a problem if Lynn was old enough to keep my company. . . Instead it'll be a night to lay in bed and reflect on the year. . .  Not sure how I feel about that with all the ups and downs it had. . .  But 2012 will be an awesome year. . .  If I can turn around the 2011 around like I did, I know I can make 2012 my year!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!! <3 YOU TO YOU ALL!!!

The one that got away...

I heard a song and thought of you the other day. And haven't been able to stop since. My heart physically hurts thinking about how I messed up. I wish I could take it back.
I miss you. And I hate myself for the way things turned out between us.
And the only person I have to blame is myself... I knew this would happen... I knew that I would end up screwing up with you... Having a guy like you in my life would have been a blessing for me and A.. and it was while it lasted.
I regret pushing you away. And all for some bozo who couldn't care less about me, but that I couldn't get over for some reason. *sigh* It took me some time but I'm finally where I wanted to be when it comes to him. And now it's too late.

So I sit here, wishing that I could take back the months I held you at bay.. I wish I had realized what I had in front of me sooner than this. 

Most of all, I wish you all the happiness in the world because you're one of the mythical good guys fairy tales are truly based on and you deserve it.


Just A Kiss Lyrics
Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight


This will always be your song...

Randomness {Tiny Tot, Houston Texans, Malaria.. yes.. you read that right}

"Are we there yet?" "Momma, are we there yet?" "We there yet momma?"
On repeat. 3 dozen or so times. From the moment we entered the subdivision until we got home.
(I won't tell her in the future that I ask myself this question on a daily basis when it comes to the trip down Interstate Never Ending that is my life.. ok maybe not my life, but school.. and my career.. which leads to my own place.. and new car.. ok so yes... my life)


Are you kidding me? I thought I had more time than this. Yet, at the same time I'm willing potty training to be over. Slightly ironic.


She amazes me every day. Her laugh, her energy (seriously.. where did that come from?!), how much love she has for those in her life. I'm still in awe that God found it fit to pair me with my perfect fit..........


And just as I'm typing this she tries to drown my laptop in water..........


There are no words..........


New topic: To all the la bouchey sport reporters? I'm pretty sure the goal of every team in the NFL is to make it to playoffs and ultimately the Superbowl. So will you PLEASE stop headlining the Texans as TRYING to make it to the playoffs? Because seriously.. I want to kick a kitten every time I hear or read that. Ok.. That's a slight exaggeration. But seriously. We've been "trying" to make the playoffs EVERY year. Believe it or not... The fact that we're so close is not lost on me. I'm just as excited as the next Texans fans. But your idiocracy annoys me. And to the DUMBASS who went and got a sleeve tattoo of the Texans and the Superbowl XYZ (yes, I'm a girl that likes football, not I don't care enough to remember what number we're on) on his arm the second the Texans start winning. If cosmic karma rains down and we don't make it to the playoffs, let alone the superbowl, I'll blame you.


Malaria. Seriously. I have to write about this. I just spent two hours of my life watching a movie about malaria. TWO HOURS. I'll never get that time of my life back. My proffessor is a Devil worshiper in disguise as a human activist.


Lastly, the diet.
Diet is still good.
I however suck at life and once again did not work out last night or this mornin. My defense about this morning? I had the tiny tot in my bed. She's at the age to wake up and crawl in my bed at 2 am without me knowing. And who am I to kick out a sleepy 2 year old?


Ok seriously. I'm making excuses for myself. But this week has not been my week. Not to say that it's been a bad week but for some strange reason, classes are kicking my ass. Ugh. But I"ll be ok. Just have to survive tomorrow then have Friday off for Veterans day. To study. Yay.


No more bullshit about the other. I'm over it. Ok not really, but I'm willing myself to be. And my one saving grace to studying psychology is overthinking also happens to be my down fall. So I'm willing myself to be simplistic in my thought process. Something I again find funny.

{Insert Witty Title Here}

Do What Diddy Diddy Dumb Diddy Do...

That song is constantly stuck in my head. It's past the point of being ridiculous.

Anywho..

Backtracking to Day 1 ... Workout did not happen. I thought implementing the wake up at o' dark thirty plan was best to start when I hadn't previously exhausted myself less than 8 hours before, so turned out the lights, turned off the tv, took a sleep aid and tried to crash at 9 in order to wake up at 3:45. But because I have personal issues racing through my mind at turbo speed (eat your heart out Dale Earnhardt) + stressing out about getting caught up on school work *I choose to turn a blind eye to the fact that I'm blogging right now instead of studying* = me not falling asleep when I had hoped. Needless to say when my alarm clock went off to get up to work out...

I"m sorry what alarm clock?... Who said what when?
Anyway.. I'm going to work out tonight. I'm determind.

Ok.. Determind isn't the correct word. It's not even in the same zip code of what I am right now. But whatever. Who's gonna do it for me?

Today's "diet" <-- keep in mind I make this up as I go
Turkey bacon x2 - idk how many calories exactly that is, but my stomach would say a big "eff you" to anyone who said more than 125
Subway (oven roasted chicken to be exact) - 350 cal
Baked Doritos - 90 cal (see how well the no carb thing is working for me yet?)
Chili + cheese = 620 cal
grapes = 100 cal
more cheese = 150ish cal

Staying under 1500 calories a day is not my problem.. Drinking lots of water is not my problem.. Working out used to not be my problem {read: I got lazy for two weeks and in that time Couch has become my new best friend.. Her pet nickname for me is potato... ok but seriously, if you know me, you know I don't have time for that} so dangit I will lose an additional 20 lbs before Feb. 1st.

Why Feb. 1 you ask? Taxes. Duh. New wardrobe and as a personal "I kick ass" reward to myself for losing the weight? A new tattoo. Shhh. Added bonus will be my birthday hitting 3 weeks later and being able to rock a great dress for my night out in.. Austin perhaps? Who knows.


Updates.. Updates.. Updates..
Hmm.. Nothing more to share really.
Still broken. And after it all (but what is "all" really? Besides family telling me that it's wrong and me overthinking even the simpliest of things?) I still don't have the willpower to fix myself with shatterproof glue and walk away from him indefinately. Quite sad. And that's putting it mildly. And either I'm a really great actress, he's that oblivious, or he just really truly doesn't give a damn.. whatever the reason.. It's a continuing cycle. Oh well. It's getting easier to accept it. My opinion of myself is at an all time low for letting myself be used though... But every person has that kryptonite right? And no I don't care if I spelt that wrong. I'm not super hero savy and I like it that way.


Anyway. Off my lazy bum. Time to work out. Yay.

Day 1: Take 397,245,243

In writing the title to today's blog, I realized it goes for more than one thing that's on my mind today. Birds, meet stone.


Bird #1 to be henceforth know as the diet bird
So today I started dieting. AGAIN. I have some motivation again which I've been lacking since I hit level playing field in June. Yay. Just in time for the holidays. Label me crazy. I know I already am.

So! Today consisted of eating:
Special K cereal + skim milk = 150 cal
Turkey slices (x4) = 100 cal
cheese cubes (x7) = 110 cal
grapes (x10) = 60 cal
banana = 130ish cal
pretzels = 50 cal
chicken spagehtti = 600 cal

And the work outs start again in T- 3 hours. I'm going to try to switch back to waking up at 4:00 and working out then since its better for your metabolism. Read: Nows the time to bet some serious money, because o' too damn early is not the time schedule I enjoyed being on. But it worked for me back in May. Let's see what it does for me now. There's ony 6 weeks left of the semester. I can surive it right? ..........

Don't answer that.



Bird #2 comes in the form of regret.
I'm not going to go into the meloramatic details because frankly, what good does it do? I will say.. that my self respect took a ride down the sewer today and is half way out to sea. True, I'd rather be in THIS mind set that I'm in rather than be in the mindset I was around this time last year. But seriously. What the hell is wrong with me? If I don't love myself, how is anyone going to love me. Same goes for respect.

Excuse me while I go find a shovel to bury myself in a hole. The way I'm feeling, I'll reach China by midday tomorrow.