To all of those who thought you knew me back then --

You really didn't. But if I'm being honest, neither did I. And it gives me great pleasure in proving all of us wrong.

I spent so much of my time between the ages of 17 - 20 trying to prove myself and the world that I was an adult - capable of making my own decisions and the ability to handle any repercussions from them.

What did I have to brag about then exactly? Being a high school drop out with her G.E.D. with a waitressing job? I took years off my life by drinking too much and smoking like a chimney, and I didn't care about anyone but myself; therefore, it wasn't shocking to anybody when I became pregnant with no help from the dad.

I was the definition of statistic.

For all of ten seconds.

It's been a struggle, and it definitely hasn't happened in the blink of an eye, but who I am now is the best version of me possible. I've risen above that definition and what I had come to view myelf as.

I *am* a single mother.
Yet I am not on my third child with a fourth baby daddy.
Every decision I make, everything I do, I do for her.
I didn't marry the first guy I dated after having her (we'll ignore the fact that I did fall in love with him thank you very much) in hopes that he would take care of us.
I have a respectful full time job.
And I go to school full time.

I've accomplished a hell of a lot in the past year. Dean's List. A new car (this continues to be a big thing for me.. But dangit! I earned that car.The exact style I wanted. On my own without needing help from any one. *Note: needing and wanting are two different things.* Ha!)

And that's not to keep from giving credit where credit is due. I owe my life to the one hell of a support system I have behind me. From family to friends to coworkers. You've all given me the the encouragement I needed to get here and support in knowing that I deserve to be.

My life is hard and certainly not perfect. I'll admit that outright. But I am so grateful for it.

I learned the hard way not to rush "growing" up. My "surprise" child has helped me become the person I am meant to be. A person that I'm proud to be. To be honest I don't like to think about the person I was and would have become had it not been for her.

What brought all this on? I've been reflecting a lot on the past year. The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. And the good outshines the bad in every aspect.

To those who believed in me and continue to do so? Thank you. I owe you a debt and gratitude I'll never be able to repay. Each one of you helped me strive to be this person.

To those who laughed when they found out I was expecting? Who looped me in with all the other statistics and therefore had my future pegged?

Who's laughing now?

And All of Life's Little Problems Melt Away Into Nothingness...

How can a person be numb yet ache so much?

My boss passed away today. We knew it was coming. We've known for a while; afterall, it was around this time last year that she was diagnosed with cancer.

It doesn't make it easier.

To respect the family's privacy, I will not name names. Those of you who knew her, don't need the added effort. Those of you who didn't? Depending on the circumstances of you finding this post, I can't help but feel as if you missed out. I know life obviously couldn't lead each of your individual paths to connect with hers, but for those of us who had the fortune.. we were lucky. Oh so very lucky. And that's putting is mildly.

If ever there was an angel that walked the Earth, it was her.

H.M: I say this now, and will say it always - Thank you. If ever there was a person I could call a role model, it was you. With our personal lives being so similar, it was never a question why I would connect to you on such a level that far surpasses the standard boss/employee relationship. You were more than a boss to me. You were a friend. It's not fair.. the way you were taken from this world. From the people who love and cherished you dearly. By all accounts, you are one of the best people I have ever had the chance to meet. I'll never be able to repay you, in this life or the next, for giving me a fighting chance. A fighting chance to support my daughter and make a life for us. She may not remember you in the future, but she will definitely know your name.

I didn't do enough. A guilt I'll live with for the rest of my life. But knowing you and your strength, you never would have let me do more.

I find solace in the fact that you're not in pain anymore.  That you're in a place where your unwaivering faith undoubtedly led you to be. Yet at the same time, I selfishly wish I had more time with you. There's so much more advice and wisdom to be had.

There's so much more to say, but the words are a blur in front of my eyes as I try to show how much you will forever mean to me. There are no words strong enough anyway.

I hope to lead a life you would be proud of. I promise to do nothing less than my best.

I'm a better person for having met you; for having you in my life.

I make this vow to you, for you:
Never again will I take those in my life for granted. For better or worse, they're in my life for a reason. I will value each and every one of them. I'll live every day to the fullest, never knowing when my last day may be. I will speak kindly and love unconditionally. I will accept the good as well as the bad, and be reminded that when I have it tough, someone always has it worse.


I love you. I miss you so much and you haven't been gone but a few hours. Gone but never forgotten.

2 years and counting. . .

Have I convinced you that I'm ok? Or have you seen through the false bravdo that I put upon myself to accept the challenge of us as 'friends'?

As much as I wish it could be true. . . It isn't and can never be. . . I thought I had convinced myself. . . But telling myself one thing, is far different from truly feeling it.

I know the reality. . . there is and never will be an 'us'. . . you've made that clearer than crystal. . . So why do you do what you do? Why haven't you let me go? What is it about this game that is so much fun?

It's not fun for me. . .

I get a glimpse into the "what could be" and then it's gone in a flash to be replaced by the truth of the situation. Help me understand why. You have a clear view.. You're looking through a lens that only you can see through. I don't understand you. The situation. Or why/why not me.

What do you want from me? With me? I can tell you right now that I don't know what it is about you that I'm drawn to. I wish I wasn't. Then all this would be so easy. Chalk it up to those feelings that just won't go away.

Help me understand. It might end up helping you understand as well. Then maybe I can walk away once and for all. And then maybe you can let me.

I want to stay. I want you to want me to stay. But not like this.

Two years and counting. . . Of hoping. Of wishing. Of hurting. Can we finally get down to the bottom of this?

When there's nothing else left to give...

When your past starts weighing in on your future, do you fight it? Or follow your intuition? I want to fight it.. I want to give all that I have to give and forget my past.. But wanting to and being able to are completely different things..

I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. It shouldn't be this hard. Not this soon.