You really didn't. But if I'm being honest, neither did I. And it gives me great pleasure in proving all of us wrong.
I spent so much of my time between the ages of 17 - 20 trying to prove myself and the world that I was an adult - capable of making my own decisions and the ability to handle any repercussions from them.
What did I have to brag about then exactly? Being a high school drop out with her G.E.D. with a waitressing job? I took years off my life by drinking too much and smoking like a chimney, and I didn't care about anyone but myself; therefore, it wasn't shocking to anybody when I became pregnant with no help from the dad.
I was the definition of statistic.
For all of ten seconds.
It's been a struggle, and it definitely hasn't happened in the blink of an eye, but who I am now is the best version of me possible. I've risen above that definition and what I had come to view myelf as.
I *am* a single mother.
Yet I am not on my third child with a fourth baby daddy.
Every decision I make, everything I do, I do for her.
I didn't marry the first guy I dated after having her (we'll ignore the fact that I did fall in love with him thank you very much) in hopes that he would take care of us.
I have a respectful full time job.
And I go to school full time.
I've accomplished a hell of a lot in the past year. Dean's List. A new car (this continues to be a big thing for me.. But dangit! I earned that car.The exact style I wanted. On my own without needing help from any one. *Note: needing and wanting are two different things.* Ha!)
And that's not to keep from giving credit where credit is due. I owe my life to the one hell of a support system I have behind me. From family to friends to coworkers. You've all given me the the encouragement I needed to get here and support in knowing that I deserve to be.
My life is hard and certainly not perfect. I'll admit that outright. But I am so grateful for it.
I learned the hard way not to rush "growing" up. My "surprise" child has helped me become the person I am meant to be. A person that I'm proud to be. To be honest I don't like to think about the person I was and would have become had it not been for her.
What brought all this on? I've been reflecting a lot on the past year. The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. And the good outshines the bad in every aspect.
To those who believed in me and continue to do so? Thank you. I owe you a debt and gratitude I'll never be able to repay. Each one of you helped me strive to be this person.
To those who laughed when they found out I was expecting? Who looped me in with all the other statistics and therefore had my future pegged?
Who's laughing now?
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
And All of Life's Little Problems Melt Away Into Nothingness...
How can a person be numb yet ache so much?
My boss passed away today. We knew it was coming. We've known for a while; afterall, it was around this time last year that she was diagnosed with cancer.
It doesn't make it easier.
To respect the family's privacy, I will not name names. Those of you who knew her, don't need the added effort. Those of you who didn't? Depending on the circumstances of you finding this post, I can't help but feel as if you missed out. I know life obviously couldn't lead each of your individual paths to connect with hers, but for those of us who had the fortune.. we were lucky. Oh so very lucky. And that's putting is mildly.
If ever there was an angel that walked the Earth, it was her.
H.M: I say this now, and will say it always - Thank you. If ever there was a person I could call a role model, it was you. With our personal lives being so similar, it was never a question why I would connect to you on such a level that far surpasses the standard boss/employee relationship. You were more than a boss to me. You were a friend. It's not fair.. the way you were taken from this world. From the people who love and cherished you dearly. By all accounts, you are one of the best people I have ever had the chance to meet. I'll never be able to repay you, in this life or the next, for giving me a fighting chance. A fighting chance to support my daughter and make a life for us. She may not remember you in the future, but she will definitely know your name.
I didn't do enough. A guilt I'll live with for the rest of my life. But knowing you and your strength, you never would have let me do more.
I find solace in the fact that you're not in pain anymore. That you're in a place where your unwaivering faith undoubtedly led you to be. Yet at the same time, I selfishly wish I had more time with you. There's so much more advice and wisdom to be had.
There's so much more to say, but the words are a blur in front of my eyes as I try to show how much you will forever mean to me. There are no words strong enough anyway.
I hope to lead a life you would be proud of. I promise to do nothing less than my best.
I'm a better person for having met you; for having you in my life.
I make this vow to you, for you:
Never again will I take those in my life for granted. For better or worse, they're in my life for a reason. I will value each and every one of them. I'll live every day to the fullest, never knowing when my last day may be. I will speak kindly and love unconditionally. I will accept the good as well as the bad, and be reminded that when I have it tough, someone always has it worse.
I love you. I miss you so much and you haven't been gone but a few hours. Gone but never forgotten.
My boss passed away today. We knew it was coming. We've known for a while; afterall, it was around this time last year that she was diagnosed with cancer.
It doesn't make it easier.
To respect the family's privacy, I will not name names. Those of you who knew her, don't need the added effort. Those of you who didn't? Depending on the circumstances of you finding this post, I can't help but feel as if you missed out. I know life obviously couldn't lead each of your individual paths to connect with hers, but for those of us who had the fortune.. we were lucky. Oh so very lucky. And that's putting is mildly.
If ever there was an angel that walked the Earth, it was her.
H.M: I say this now, and will say it always - Thank you. If ever there was a person I could call a role model, it was you. With our personal lives being so similar, it was never a question why I would connect to you on such a level that far surpasses the standard boss/employee relationship. You were more than a boss to me. You were a friend. It's not fair.. the way you were taken from this world. From the people who love and cherished you dearly. By all accounts, you are one of the best people I have ever had the chance to meet. I'll never be able to repay you, in this life or the next, for giving me a fighting chance. A fighting chance to support my daughter and make a life for us. She may not remember you in the future, but she will definitely know your name.
I didn't do enough. A guilt I'll live with for the rest of my life. But knowing you and your strength, you never would have let me do more.
I find solace in the fact that you're not in pain anymore. That you're in a place where your unwaivering faith undoubtedly led you to be. Yet at the same time, I selfishly wish I had more time with you. There's so much more advice and wisdom to be had.
There's so much more to say, but the words are a blur in front of my eyes as I try to show how much you will forever mean to me. There are no words strong enough anyway.
I hope to lead a life you would be proud of. I promise to do nothing less than my best.
I'm a better person for having met you; for having you in my life.
I make this vow to you, for you:
Never again will I take those in my life for granted. For better or worse, they're in my life for a reason. I will value each and every one of them. I'll live every day to the fullest, never knowing when my last day may be. I will speak kindly and love unconditionally. I will accept the good as well as the bad, and be reminded that when I have it tough, someone always has it worse.
I love you. I miss you so much and you haven't been gone but a few hours. Gone but never forgotten.
Monday, April 23, 2012
2 years and counting. . .
Have I convinced you that I'm ok? Or have you seen through the false bravdo that I put upon myself to accept the challenge of us as 'friends'?
As much as I wish it could be true. . . It isn't and can never be. . . I thought I had convinced myself. . . But telling myself one thing, is far different from truly feeling it.
I know the reality. . . there is and never will be an 'us'. . . you've made that clearer than crystal. . . So why do you do what you do? Why haven't you let me go? What is it about this game that is so much fun?
It's not fun for me. . .
I get a glimpse into the "what could be" and then it's gone in a flash to be replaced by the truth of the situation. Help me understand why. You have a clear view.. You're looking through a lens that only you can see through. I don't understand you. The situation. Or why/why not me.
What do you want from me? With me? I can tell you right now that I don't know what it is about you that I'm drawn to. I wish I wasn't. Then all this would be so easy. Chalk it up to those feelings that just won't go away.
Help me understand. It might end up helping you understand as well. Then maybe I can walk away once and for all. And then maybe you can let me.
I want to stay. I want you to want me to stay. But not like this.
Two years and counting. . . Of hoping. Of wishing. Of hurting. Can we finally get down to the bottom of this?
As much as I wish it could be true. . . It isn't and can never be. . . I thought I had convinced myself. . . But telling myself one thing, is far different from truly feeling it.
I know the reality. . . there is and never will be an 'us'. . . you've made that clearer than crystal. . . So why do you do what you do? Why haven't you let me go? What is it about this game that is so much fun?
It's not fun for me. . .
I get a glimpse into the "what could be" and then it's gone in a flash to be replaced by the truth of the situation. Help me understand why. You have a clear view.. You're looking through a lens that only you can see through. I don't understand you. The situation. Or why/why not me.
What do you want from me? With me? I can tell you right now that I don't know what it is about you that I'm drawn to. I wish I wasn't. Then all this would be so easy. Chalk it up to those feelings that just won't go away.
Help me understand. It might end up helping you understand as well. Then maybe I can walk away once and for all. And then maybe you can let me.
I want to stay. I want you to want me to stay. But not like this.
Two years and counting. . . Of hoping. Of wishing. Of hurting. Can we finally get down to the bottom of this?
Monday, January 16, 2012
When there's nothing else left to give...
When your past starts weighing in on your future, do you fight it? Or follow your intuition? I want to fight it.. I want to give all that I have to give and forget my past.. But wanting to and being able to are completely different things..
I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. It shouldn't be this hard. Not this soon.
I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. It shouldn't be this hard. Not this soon.
Monday, December 26, 2011
'Tis the Season...
. . . For ex's to get in touch with you in the guise of wishing you happy holidays. . . Four, count them FOUR ex love interests have contacted me in the last two days. . . . The thing about deleting numbers is that just because you take that step, doesn't mean that they will. . . . Which is fine. . . . But holy cow. . . People I haven't talked to in MONTHS are suddenly interested in how me and A are.. First of all, don't use my daughter as a way of feigning interest. . . She's my soft spot that will forever be guarded with a brick wall and barbed wire fence. . . Using her will only piss me off. . . You've been warned. . . .
Of course hearing from them wasn't all bad. . . Just confusing, painful and great all at the same time. . . I miss some of them in warped ways. . . . But they're exes for a reason. . . . And while I wish for different futures with some of them. . . I have to stop living in the what ifs. . . And boy are there a lot of them. . .
There's the possibility of someone else right now. . . And while the theory of it sounds great in my head and maybe on paper. . . I'm still nervous as HECK about the changes it could entail. . . And today I'm second guessing it all as a whole. . . but that's too long of a story. . . We'll just take it one day at a time . . .
Christmas was WONDERFUL. . . It was a whirlwind of craziness, but what holiday isn't? The holidays haven't been "exciting" for a long time. . . Of course there was the "me, me, me, I want, I want, I want" aspect of it to look forward to, but the meaning of the holiday stopped mattering so much when I was in high school. . . But now that I have A. . . I feel like a kid again. . . The change of the weather, the way E. L. glows like a spot light from all the decorated houses, presents piling up under the tree. . . It's almost hard not to believe in Santa any more as much as we talk about him. . . . From start to finish, the holiday was wonderful and I'm so thankful for everything and everyone I have in my life to make it special. . .
Now it's time to look forward to a New Year. . . No plans as of yet. . . Kind of bittersweet. . . . My mom changed her weekend schedule in order to watch A and for me to take advantage of the holiday. . . Another reason to count her as an awesome mom and G-ma. . . But no one to spend it with or plans to do anything as of yet so I may just spend the night at home. . . Which wouldn't be a problem if Lynn was old enough to keep my company. . . Instead it'll be a night to lay in bed and reflect on the year. . . Not sure how I feel about that with all the ups and downs it had. . . But 2012 will be an awesome year. . . If I can turn around the 2011 around like I did, I know I can make 2012 my year!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!! <3 YOU TO YOU ALL!!!
Of course hearing from them wasn't all bad. . . Just confusing, painful and great all at the same time. . . I miss some of them in warped ways. . . . But they're exes for a reason. . . . And while I wish for different futures with some of them. . . I have to stop living in the what ifs. . . And boy are there a lot of them. . .
There's the possibility of someone else right now. . . And while the theory of it sounds great in my head and maybe on paper. . . I'm still nervous as HECK about the changes it could entail. . . And today I'm second guessing it all as a whole. . . but that's too long of a story. . . We'll just take it one day at a time . . .
Christmas was WONDERFUL. . . It was a whirlwind of craziness, but what holiday isn't? The holidays haven't been "exciting" for a long time. . . Of course there was the "me, me, me, I want, I want, I want" aspect of it to look forward to, but the meaning of the holiday stopped mattering so much when I was in high school. . . But now that I have A. . . I feel like a kid again. . . The change of the weather, the way E. L. glows like a spot light from all the decorated houses, presents piling up under the tree. . . It's almost hard not to believe in Santa any more as much as we talk about him. . . . From start to finish, the holiday was wonderful and I'm so thankful for everything and everyone I have in my life to make it special. . .
Now it's time to look forward to a New Year. . . No plans as of yet. . . Kind of bittersweet. . . . My mom changed her weekend schedule in order to watch A and for me to take advantage of the holiday. . . Another reason to count her as an awesome mom and G-ma. . . But no one to spend it with or plans to do anything as of yet so I may just spend the night at home. . . Which wouldn't be a problem if Lynn was old enough to keep my company. . . Instead it'll be a night to lay in bed and reflect on the year. . . Not sure how I feel about that with all the ups and downs it had. . . But 2012 will be an awesome year. . . If I can turn around the 2011 around like I did, I know I can make 2012 my year!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!! <3 YOU TO YOU ALL!!!
Monday, December 5, 2011
The one that got away...
I heard a song and thought of you the other day. And haven't been able to stop since. My heart physically hurts thinking about how I messed up. I wish I could take it back.
I miss you. And I hate myself for the way things turned out between us.
And the only person I have to blame is myself... I knew this would happen... I knew that I would end up screwing up with you... Having a guy like you in my life would have been a blessing for me and A.. and it was while it lasted.
I regret pushing you away. And all for some bozo who couldn't care less about me, but that I couldn't get over for some reason. *sigh* It took me some time but I'm finally where I wanted to be when it comes to him. And now it's too late.
So I sit here, wishing that I could take back the months I held you at bay.. I wish I had realized what I had in front of me sooner than this.
Most of all, I wish you all the happiness in the world because you're one of the mythical good guys fairy tales are truly based on and you deserve it.
Just A Kiss Lyrics
Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile
I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight
I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight
No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight
This will always be your song...
I miss you. And I hate myself for the way things turned out between us.
And the only person I have to blame is myself... I knew this would happen... I knew that I would end up screwing up with you... Having a guy like you in my life would have been a blessing for me and A.. and it was while it lasted.
I regret pushing you away. And all for some bozo who couldn't care less about me, but that I couldn't get over for some reason. *sigh* It took me some time but I'm finally where I wanted to be when it comes to him. And now it's too late.
So I sit here, wishing that I could take back the months I held you at bay.. I wish I had realized what I had in front of me sooner than this.
Most of all, I wish you all the happiness in the world because you're one of the mythical good guys fairy tales are truly based on and you deserve it.
Just A Kiss Lyrics
Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile
I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight
I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight
No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight
This will always be your song...
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Randomness {Tiny Tot, Houston Texans, Malaria.. yes.. you read that right}
"Are we there yet?" "Momma, are we there yet?" "We there yet momma?"
On repeat. 3 dozen or so times. From the moment we entered the subdivision until we got home.
(I won't tell her in the future that I ask myself this question on a daily basis when it comes to the trip down Interstate Never Ending that is my life.. ok maybe not my life, but school.. and my career.. which leads to my own place.. and new car.. ok so yes... my life)
Are you kidding me? I thought I had more time than this. Yet, at the same time I'm willing potty training to be over. Slightly ironic.
She amazes me every day. Her laugh, her energy (seriously.. where did that come from?!), how much love she has for those in her life. I'm still in awe that God found it fit to pair me with my perfect fit..........
And just as I'm typing this she tries to drown my laptop in water..........
There are no words..........
New topic: To all the la bouchey sport reporters? I'm pretty sure the goal of every team in the NFL is to make it to playoffs and ultimately the Superbowl. So will you PLEASE stop headlining the Texans as TRYING to make it to the playoffs? Because seriously.. I want to kick a kitten every time I hear or read that. Ok.. That's a slight exaggeration. But seriously. We've been "trying" to make the playoffs EVERY year. Believe it or not... The fact that we're so close is not lost on me. I'm just as excited as the next Texans fans. But your idiocracy annoys me. And to the DUMBASS who went and got a sleeve tattoo of the Texans and the Superbowl XYZ (yes, I'm a girl that likes football, not I don't care enough to remember what number we're on) on his arm the second the Texans start winning. If cosmic karma rains down and we don't make it to the playoffs, let alone the superbowl, I'll blame you.
Malaria. Seriously. I have to write about this. I just spent two hours of my life watching a movie about malaria. TWO HOURS. I'll never get that time of my life back. My proffessor is a Devil worshiper in disguise as a human activist.
Lastly, the diet.
Diet is still good.
I however suck at life and once again did not work out last night or this mornin. My defense about this morning? I had the tiny tot in my bed. She's at the age to wake up and crawl in my bed at 2 am without me knowing. And who am I to kick out a sleepy 2 year old?
Ok seriously. I'm making excuses for myself. But this week has not been my week. Not to say that it's been a bad week but for some strange reason, classes are kicking my ass. Ugh. But I"ll be ok. Just have to survive tomorrow then have Friday off for Veterans day. To study. Yay.
No more bullshit about the other. I'm over it. Ok not really, but I'm willing myself to be. And my one saving grace to studying psychology is overthinking also happens to be my down fall. So I'm willing myself to be simplistic in my thought process. Something I again find funny.
On repeat. 3 dozen or so times. From the moment we entered the subdivision until we got home.
(I won't tell her in the future that I ask myself this question on a daily basis when it comes to the trip down Interstate Never Ending that is my life.. ok maybe not my life, but school.. and my career.. which leads to my own place.. and new car.. ok so yes... my life)
Are you kidding me? I thought I had more time than this. Yet, at the same time I'm willing potty training to be over. Slightly ironic.
She amazes me every day. Her laugh, her energy (seriously.. where did that come from?!), how much love she has for those in her life. I'm still in awe that God found it fit to pair me with my perfect fit..........
And just as I'm typing this she tries to drown my laptop in water..........
There are no words..........
New topic: To all the la bouchey sport reporters? I'm pretty sure the goal of every team in the NFL is to make it to playoffs and ultimately the Superbowl. So will you PLEASE stop headlining the Texans as TRYING to make it to the playoffs? Because seriously.. I want to kick a kitten every time I hear or read that. Ok.. That's a slight exaggeration. But seriously. We've been "trying" to make the playoffs EVERY year. Believe it or not... The fact that we're so close is not lost on me. I'm just as excited as the next Texans fans. But your idiocracy annoys me. And to the DUMBASS who went and got a sleeve tattoo of the Texans and the Superbowl XYZ (yes, I'm a girl that likes football, not I don't care enough to remember what number we're on) on his arm the second the Texans start winning. If cosmic karma rains down and we don't make it to the playoffs, let alone the superbowl, I'll blame you.
Malaria. Seriously. I have to write about this. I just spent two hours of my life watching a movie about malaria. TWO HOURS. I'll never get that time of my life back. My proffessor is a Devil worshiper in disguise as a human activist.
Lastly, the diet.
Diet is still good.
I however suck at life and once again did not work out last night or this mornin. My defense about this morning? I had the tiny tot in my bed. She's at the age to wake up and crawl in my bed at 2 am without me knowing. And who am I to kick out a sleepy 2 year old?
Ok seriously. I'm making excuses for myself. But this week has not been my week. Not to say that it's been a bad week but for some strange reason, classes are kicking my ass. Ugh. But I"ll be ok. Just have to survive tomorrow then have Friday off for Veterans day. To study. Yay.
No more bullshit about the other. I'm over it. Ok not really, but I'm willing myself to be. And my one saving grace to studying psychology is overthinking also happens to be my down fall. So I'm willing myself to be simplistic in my thought process. Something I again find funny.
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